Twin Idols

There are two phrases, you must know,     So potent (yet so small)     That wheresoe'er a man may go     He needs none else at all;     No servile guide to lead the way     Nor lackey at his heel,     If he be learned enough to say     "Comme bien" and "Wie viel."     The sleek, pomaded Parleyvoo     Will air his sweetest airs     And quote the highest rates when you     "Comme bien" for his wares;     And, though the German stolid be,     His so-called heart of steel     Becomes as soft as wax when he     Detects the words "Wie viel."     Go, search the boulevards and rues     From Havre to Marseilles--     You'll find all eloquence you use     Except "Comme bien" fails;     Or in the country auf der Rhine     Essay a business deal     And all your art is good fuhr nein     Beyond the point--"Wie viel."     It matters not what game or prey     Attracts your greedy eyes--     You must pursue the good old way     If you would win the prize;     It is to get a titled mate     All run down at the heel,     If you inquire of stock effete,     "Comme bien" or "Wie viel."     So he is wise who envieth not     A wealth of foreign speech,     Since with two phrases may be got     Whatever's in his reach;     For Europe is a soulless shrine     In which all classes kneel     Before twin idols, deemed divine--     "Comme bien" and "Wie viel."