The Train Misser

At Union Station     'Ll where in the world my eyes has bin -     Ef I hain't missed that train ag'in!     Chuff! And whistle! And toot! And ring!     But blast and blister the dasted train!     How it does it I can't explain!     Git here thirty-five minutes before     The durn things due! And, drat the thing     It'll manage to git past-shore!     The more I travel around, the more     I got no sense! To stand right here     And let it beat me! 'Ll ding my melts!     I got no gumption, ner nothin' else!     Ticket Agent's a dad-burned bore!     Sell you a tickets all they keer!     Ticket Agents ort to all be     Prosecuted - and that's jes what!     How'd I know which train's fer me?     And how'd I know which train was not?     Goern and comin' and gone astray,     And backin' and switchin' ever'-which-way!     Ef I could jes sneak round behind     Myse'f, where I could git full swing,     I'd lift my coat, and kick, by jing!     Till I jes got jerked up and fined!     Fer here I stood, as a durn fool's apt     To, and let that train jes chuff and choo     Right apast me - and mouth jes gapped     Like a blamed old sandwitch warped in two!