The Rivals; Or The Showman's Ruse

A TRAGI-COMEDY, IN ONE ACT.         PERSONS REPRESENTED.         BILLY MILLER            )         The Rivals         JOHNNY WILLIAMS     )         TOMMY WELLS             Conspirator         TIME - Noon: SCENE - Country Town - Rear-view of the Miller Mansion, showing Barn, with practical loft-window opening on alley-way, with colored-crayon poster beneath, announcing: - "BILLY MILLER'S Big Show and Monstur Circus and Equareum!    A shour-bath fer Each and All fer 20 pins. This Afternoon!    Don't fer git the date!"    Enter TOMMY WELLS and JOHNNY WILLIAMS, who gaze awhile at poster, TOMMY secretly smiling and winking at BILLY MILLER, concealed at loft-window above.         TOMMY (to JOHNNY).             Guess 'at Billy haint got back, -             Can't see nothin' through the crack - -             Can't hear nothin' neither - No!             . . . Thinks he's got the dandy show,             Don't he?         JOHNNY (scornfully) -             'Course' but what I care? -             He haint got no show in there! -             What's he got in there but that             Old hen, cooped up with a cat             An' a turkle, an' that thing             'At he calls his "circus-ring?"             "What a circus-ring!"    I'd quit!             Bet mine's twic't as big as it!         TOMMY -             Yes, but you got no machine             Wat you bathe with, painted green,             With a string to work it, guess!         JOHNNY (contemptuously) -             Folks don't bathe in circuses! -             Ladies comes to mine, you bet!             I' got seats where girls can set;             An' a dressin'-room, an' all,             Fixed up in my pony's stall -             Yes, an' I' got carpet, too,             Fer the tumblers, and a blue             Center-pole!         TOMMY -             Well, Billy, he's             Got a tight-rope an' trapeze,             An' a hoop 'at he jumps through             Head-first!         JOHNNY -             Well, what's that to do -             Lightin' on a pile o' hay?             Haint no actin' thataway!         TOMMY -             Don't care what you say, he draws             Bigger crowds than you do, 'cause             Sense he started up, I know             All the fellers says his show             Is the best-un!         JOHNNY -             Yes, an' he             Better not tell things on me!             His old circus haint no good! -             'Cause he's got the neighborhood             Down on me he thinks 'at I'm             Goin' to stand it all the time;             Thinks ist 'cause my Pa don't 'low             Me to fight, he's got me now.             An' can say I lie, an' call             Me ist anything at all!             Billy Miller thinks I am             'Feared to say 'at he says "dam" -             Yes, and worser ones! and I'm             Goin' to tell his folks sometime! -             An' ef he don't shet his head             I'll tell worse 'an that he said             When he fighted Willie King -             An' got licked like ever'thing! -             Billy Miller better shin             Down his Daddy's lane agin,             Like a cowardy-calf, an' climb             In fer home another time!             Better -             [Here BILLY leaps down from the loft upon his unsuspecting victim; and two minutes, later, JOHNNY, with the half of a straw hat, a bleeding nose, and a straight rent across one trouser-knee, makes his inglorious - exit.]