The Rivals

'T was three an' thirty year ago,     When I was ruther young, you know,     I had my last an' only fight     About a gal one summer night.     'T was me an' Zekel Johnson; Zeke     'N' me 'd be'n spattin' 'bout a week,     Each of us tryin' his best to show     That he was Liza Jones's beau.     We could n't neither prove the thing,     Fur she was fur too sharp to fling     One over fur the other one     An' by so doin' stop the fun     That we chaps did n't have the sense     To see she got at our expense,     But that's the way a feller does,     Fur boys is fools an' allus was.     An' when they's females in the game     I reckon men's about the same.     Well, Zeke an' me went on that way     An' fussed an' quarrelled day by day;     While Liza, mindin' not the fuss,     Jest kep' a-goin' with both of us,     Tell we pore chaps, that's Zeke an' me,     Was jest plum mad with jealousy.     Well, fur a time we kep' our places,     An' only showed by frownin' faces     An' looks 'at well our meanin' boded     How full o' fight we both was loaded.     At last it come, the thing broke out,     An' this is how it come about.     One night ('t was fair, you'll all agree)     I got Eliza's company,     An' leavin' Zekel in the lurch,     Went trottin' off with her to church.     An' jest as we had took our seat     (Eliza lookin' fair an' sweet),     Why, I jest could n't help but grin     When Zekel come a-bouncin' in     As furious as the law allows.     He 'd jest be'n up to Liza's house,     To find her gone, then come to church     To have this end put to his search.     I guess I laffed that meetin' through,     An' not a mortal word I knew     Of what the preacher preached er read     Er what the choir sung er said.     Fur every time I 'd turn my head     I could n't skeercely help but see     'At Zekel had his eye on me.     An' he 'ud sort o' turn an' twist     An' grind his teeth an' shake his fist.     I laughed, fur la! the hull church seen us,     An' knowed that suthin' was between us.     Well, meetin' out, we started hum,     I sorter feelin' what would come.     We 'd jest got out, when up stepped Zeke,     An' said, "Scuse me, I 'd like to speak     To you a minute." "Cert," said I--     A-nudgin' Liza on the sly     An' laughin' in my sleeve with glee,     I asked her, please, to pardon me.     We walked away a step er two,     Jest to git out o' Liza's view,     An' then Zeke said, "I want to know     Ef you think you 're Eliza's beau,     An' 'at I 'm goin' to let her go     Hum with sich a chap as you?"     An' I said bold, "You bet I do."     Then Zekel, sneerin', said 'at he     Did n't want to hender me.     But then he 'lowed the gal was his     An' 'at he guessed he knowed his biz,     An' was n't feared o' all my kin     With all my friends an' chums throwed in.     Some other things he mentioned there     That no born man could no ways bear     Er think o' ca'mly tryin' to stan'     Ef Zeke had be'n the bigges' man     In town, an' not the leanest runt     'At time an' labor ever stunt.     An' so I let my fist go "bim,"     I thought I 'd mos' nigh finished him.     But Zekel did n't take it so.     He jest ducked down an' dodged my blow     An' then come back at me so hard,     I guess I must 'a' hurt the yard,     Er spilet the grass plot where I fell,     An' sakes alive it hurt me; well,     It would n't be'n so bad, you see,     But he jest kep' a-hittin' me.     An' I hit back an' kicked an' pawed,     But 't seemed 't was mostly air I clawed,     While Zekel used his science well     A-makin' every motion tell.     He punched an' hit, why, goodness lands,     Seemed like he had a dozen hands.     Well, afterwhile they stopped the fuss,     An' some one kindly parted us.     All beat an' cuffed an' clawed an' scratched,     An' needin' both our faces patched,     Each started hum a different way;     An' what o' Liza, do you say,     Why, Liza--little humbug--dern her,     Why, she 'd gone home with Hiram Turner.