Squire Hawkins's Story

I hain't no hand at tellin' tales,     Er spinnin' yarns, as the sailors say;     Someway o' 'nother, language fails     To slide fer me in the oily way     That LAWYERS has; and I wisht it would,     Fer I've got somepin' that I call good;     But bein' only a country squire,     I've learned to listen and admire,     Ruther preferrin' to be addressed     Than talk myse'f - but I'll do my best: -     Old Jeff Thompson - well, I'll say,     Was the clos'test man I ever saw! -     Rich as cream, but the porest pay,     And the meanest man to work fer - La!     I've knowed that man to work one "hand" -     Fer little er nothin', you understand -     From four o'clock in the morning light     Tel eight and nine o'clock at night,     And then find fault with his appetite!     He'd drive all over the neighberhood     To miss the place where a toll-gate stood,     And slip in town, by some old road     That no two men in the county knowed,     With a jag o' wood, and a sack o' wheat,     That wouldn't burn and you couldn't eat!     And the trades he'd make, 'll I jest de-clare,     Was enough to make a preacher swear!     And then he'd hitch, and hang about     Tel the lights in the toll-gate was blowed out,     And then the turnpike he'd turn in     And sneak his way back home ag'in!     Some folks hint, and I make no doubt,     That that's what wore his old wife out -     Toilin' away from day to day     And year to year, through heat and cold,     Uncomplainin' - the same old way     The martyrs died in the days of old;     And a-clingin', too, as the martyrs done,     To one fixed faith, and her ONLY one, -     Little Patience, the sweetest child     That ever wept unrickonciled,     Er felt the pain and the ache and sting     That only a mother's death can bring.     Patience Thompson! - I think that name     Must 'a' come from a power above,     Fer it seemed to fit her jest the same     As a GAITER would, er a fine kid glove!     And to see that girl, with all the care     Of the household on her - I de-clare     It was OUDACIOUS, the work she'd do,     And the thousand plans that she'd putt through;     And sing like a medder-lark all day long,     And drowned her cares in the joys o' song;     And LAUGH sometimes tel the farmer's "hand,"     Away fur off in the fields, would stand     A-listenin', with the plow half drawn,     Tel the coaxin' echoes called him on;     And the furries seemed, in his dreamy eyes,     Like foot-paths a-leadin' to Paradise,     As off through the hazy atmosphere     The call fer dinner reached his ear.     Now LOVE'S as cunnin'a little thing     As a hummin'-bird upon the wing,     And as liable to poke his nose     Jest where folks would least suppose, -     And more'n likely build his nest     Right in the heart you'd leave unguessed,     And live and thrive at your expense -     At least, that's MY experience.     And old Jeff Thompson often thought,     In his se'fish way, that the quiet John     Was a stiddy chap, as a farm-hand OUGHT     To always be, - fer the airliest dawn     Found John busy - and "EASY," too,     Whenever his wages would fall due! -     To sum him up with a final touch,     He EAT so little and WORKED so much,     That old Jeff laughed to hisse'f and said,     "He makes ME money and airns his bread! -     But John, fer all of his quietude,     Would sometimes drap a word er so     That none but PATIENCE understood,     And none but her was MEANT to know! -     Maybe at meal-times John would say,     As the sugar-bowl come down his way,     "Thanky, no; MY coffee's sweet     Enough fer ME!" with sich conceit,     SHE'D know at once, without no doubt,     HE meant because she poured it out;     And smile and blush, and all sich stuff,     And ast ef it was "STRONG enough?"     And git the answer, neat and trim,     "It COULDN'T be too 'strong' fer HIM!"     And so things went fer 'bout a year,     Tel John, at last, found pluck to go     And pour his tale in the old man's ear -     And ef it had been HOT LEAD, I know     It couldn't 'a' raised a louder fuss,     Ner 'a' riled the old man's temper wuss!     He jest LIT in, and cussed and swore,     And lunged and rared, and ripped and tore,     And told John jest to leave his door,     And not to darken it no more!     But Patience cried, with eyes all wet,     "Remember, John, and don't ferget,     WHATEVER comes, I love you yet!"     But the old man thought, in his se'fish way,     "I'll see her married rich some day;     And THAT," thinks he, "is money fer ME -     And my will's LAW, as it ought to be!"     So when, in the course of a month er so,     A WIDOWER, with a farm er two,     Comes to Jeff's, w'y, the folks, you know,     Had to TALK - as the folks'll do:     It was the talk of the neighberhood -     PATIENCE and JOHN, and THEIR affairs; -     And this old chap with a few gray hairs     Had "cut John out," it was understood.     And some folks reckoned "Patience, too,     Knowed what SHE was a-goin' to do -     It was LIKE her - la! indeed! -     All she loved was DOLLARS and CENTS -     Like old JEFF - and they saw no need     Fer JOHN to pine at HER negligence!"     But others said, in a KINDER way,     They missed the songs she used to sing -     They missed the smiles that used to play     Over her face, and the laughin' ring     Of her glad voice - that EVERYthing     Of her OLD se'f seemed dead and gone,     And this was the ghost that they gazed on!     Tel finally it was noised about     There was a WEDDIN' soon to be     Down at Jeff's; and the "cat was out"     Shore enough! - 'Ll the JEE-MUN-NEE!     It RILED me when John told me so, -     Fer I WAS A FRIEND O' JOHN'S, you know;     And his trimblin' voice jest broke in two -     As a feller's voice'll sometimes do. -     And I says, says I, "Ef I know my biz -     And I think I know what JESTICE is, -     I've read SOME law - and I'd advise     A man like you to wipe his eyes     And square his jaws and start AGIN,     FER JESTICE IS A-GOIN' TO WIN!"     And it wasn't long tel his eyes had cleared     As blue as the skies, and the sun appeared     In the shape of a good old-fashioned smile     That I hadn't seen fer a long, long while.     So we talked on fer a' hour er more,     And sunned ourselves in the open door, -     Tel a hoss-and-buggy down the road     Come a-drivin' up, that I guess John KNOWED, -     Fer he winked and says, "I'll dessappear -     THEY'D smell a mice ef they saw ME here!"     And he thumbed his nose at the old gray mare,     And hid hisse'f in the house somewhere.     Well. - The rig drove up: and I raised my head     As old Jeff hollered to me and said     That "him and his old friend there had come     To see ef the squire was at home."     . . . I told 'em "I was; and I AIMED to be     At every chance of a weddin'-fee!"     And then I laughed - and they laughed, too, -     Fer that was the object they had in view.     "Would I be on hands at eight that night?"     They ast; and 's-I, "You're mighty right,     I'LL be on hand!"    And then I BU'ST     Out a-laughin' my very wu'st, -     And so did they, as they wheeled away     And drove to'rds town in a cloud o' dust.     Then I shet the door, and me and John     Laughed and LAUGHED, and jest LAUGHED on,     Tel Mother drapped her specs, and BY     JEEWHILLIKERS!    I thought she'd DIE! -     And she couldn't 'a' told, I'll bet my hat,     What on earth she was laughin' at!     But all o' the fun o' the tale hain't done! -     Fer a drizzlin' rain had jest begun,     And a-havin' 'bout four mile' to ride,     I jest concluded I'd better light     Out fer Jeff's and save my hide, -     Fer IT WAS A-GOIN' TO STORM, THAT NIGHT!     So we went down to the barn, and John     Saddled my beast, and I got on;     And he told me somepin' to not ferget,     And when I left, he was LAUGHIN' yet.     And, 'proachin' on to my journey's end,     The great big draps o' the rain come down,     And the thunder growled in a way to lend     An awful look to the lowerin' frown     The dull sky wore; and the lightnin' glanced     Tel my old mare jest MORE'N pranced,     And tossed her head, and bugged her eyes     To about four times their natchurl size,     As the big black lips of the clouds 'ud drap     Out some oath of a thunderclap,     And threaten on in an undertone     That chilled a feller clean to the bone!     But I struck shelter soon enough     To save myse'f.    And the house was jammed     With the women-folks, and the weddin'stuff: -     A great, long table, fairly CRAMMED     With big pound-cakes - and chops and steaks -     And roasts and stews - and stumick-aches     Of every fashion, form, and size,     From twisters up to punkin-pies!     And candies, oranges, and figs,     And reezins, - all the "whilligigs"     And "jim-cracks" that the law allows     On sich occasions! - Bobs and bows     Of gigglin' girls, with corkscrew curls,     And fancy ribbons, reds and blues,     And "beau-ketchers" and "curliques"     To beat the world!    And seven o'clock     Brought old Jeff;-and brought - THE GROOM, -     With a sideboard-collar on, and stock     That choked him so, he hadn't room     To SWALLER in, er even sneeze,     Er clear his th'oat with any case     Er comfort - and a good square cough     Would saw his Adam's apple off!     But as fer PATIENCE - MY! Oomh-OOMH! -     I never saw her look so sweet! -     Her face was cream and roses, too;     And then them eyes o' heavenly blue     Jest made an angel all complete!     And when she split 'em up in smiles     And splintered 'em around the room,     And danced acrost and met the groom,     And LAUGHED OUT LOUD - It kind o' spiles     My language when I come to that -     Fer, as she laid away his hat,     Thinks I, "THE PAPERS HID INSIDE     OF THAT SAID HAT MUST MAKE A BRIDE     A HAPPY ONE FER ALL HER LIFE,     Er else a WRECKED AND WRETCHED WIFE!"     And, someway, then, I thought of JOHN, -     Then looked towards PATIENCE. . . .    She was GONE! -     The door stood open, and the rain     Was dashin' in; and sharp and plain     Above the storm we heerd a cry -     A ringin', laughin', loud "Good-by!"     That died away, as fleet and fast     A hoss's hoofs went splashin' past!     And that was all.    'Twas done that quick! . . .     You've heerd o' fellers "lookin' sick"?     I wisht you'd seen THE GROOM jest then -     I wisht you'd seen them two old men,     With starin' eyes that fairly GLARED     At one another, and the scared     And empty faces of the crowd, -     I wisht you could 'a' been allowed     To jest look on and see it all, -     And heerd the girls and women bawl     And wring their hands; and heerd old Jeff     A-cussin' as he swung hisse'f     Upon his hoss, who champed his bit     As though old Nick had holt of it:     And cheek by jowl the two old wrecks     Rode off as though they'd break their necks.     And as we all stood starin' out     Into the night, I felt the brush     Of some one's hand, and turned about,     And heerd a voice that whispered, "HUSH! -     THEY'RE WAITIN' IN THE KITCHEN, AND     YOU'RE WANTED.    DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?"     Well, ef my MEMORY serves me now,     I think I winked. - Well, anyhow,     I left the crowd a-gawkin' there,     And jest slipped off around to where     The back door opened, and went in,     And turned and shet the door ag'in,     And maybe LOCKED it - couldn't swear, -     A woman's arms around me makes     Me liable to make mistakes. -     I read a marriage license nex',     But as I didn't have my specs     I jest INFERRED it was all right,     And tied the knot so mortal-tight     That Patience and my old friend John     Was safe enough from that time on!     Well, now, I might go on and tell     How all the joke at last leaked out,     And how the youngsters raised the yell     And rode the happy groom about     Upon their shoulders; how the bride     Was kissed a hunderd times beside     The one I give her, - tel she cried     And laughed untel she like to died!     I might go on and tell you all     About the supper - and the BALL. -     You'd ought to see me twist my heel     Through jest one old Furginny reel     Afore you die! er tromp the strings     Of some old fiddle tel she sings     Some old cowtillion, don't you know,     That putts the devil in yer toe!     We kep' the dancin' up tel FOUR     O'clock, I reckon - maybe more. -     We hardly heerd the thunders roar,     ER THOUGHT about the STORM that blowed -     AND THEM TWO FELLERS ON THE ROAD!     Tel all at onc't we heerd the door     Bu'st open, and a voice that SWORE, -     And old Jeff Thompson tuck the floor.     He shuck hisse'f and looked around     Like some old dog about half-drowned -     HIS HAT, I reckon, WEIGHED TEN POUND     To say the least, and I'll say, SHORE,     HIS OVERCOAT WEIGHED FIFTY more -     THE WETTEST MAN YOU EVER SAW,     TO HAVE SO DRY A SON-IN-LAW!     He sized it all; and Patience laid     Her hand in John's, and looked afraid,     And waited.    And a stiller set     O' folks, I KNOW, you never met     In any court room, where with dread     They wait to hear a verdick read.     The old man turned his eyes on me:     "And have you married 'em?" says he.     I nodded "Yes."    "Well, that'll do,"     He says, "and now we're th'ough with YOU, -     YOU jest clear out, and I decide     And promise to be satisfied!"     He hadn't nothin' more to say.     I saw, of course, how matters lay,     And left.    But as I rode away     I heerd the roosters crow fer day.