Ode To The Sublime Porte.

Great Sultan, how wise are thy state compositions!         And oh! above all I admire that Decree,     In which thou command'st that all she politicians         Shall forthwith be strangled and cast in the sea.     'Tis my fortune to know a lean Benthamite spinster--         A maid who her faith in old Jeremy puts,     Who talks with a lisp of "the last new Westminster,"         And hopes you're delighted with "Mill upon Gluts;"     Who tells you how clever one Mr. Funblank is,         How charming his Articles 'gainst the Nobility;--     And assures you that even a gentleman's rank is         In Jeremy's school, of no sort of utility.     To see her, ye Gods, a new Number perusing--         ART. 1.--"On the Needle's variations," by Pl--ce;[1]         ART. 2.--By her Favorite Funblank[2]--"so amusing!         "Dear man! he makes Poetry quite a Law case."     ART. 3.--"Upon Fallacies," Jeremy's own--         (Chief Fallacy being his hope to find readers);-     ART. 4.--"Upon Honesty," author unknown;--         ART. 5.--(by the young Mr. Mill) "Hints to Breeders."     Oh, Sultan, oh, Sultan, tho' oft for the bag         And the bowstring, like thee, I am tempted to call--     Tho' drowning's too good for each blue-stocking hag,         I would bag this she Benthamite first of them all!     And lest she should ever again lift her head         From the watery bottom, her clack to renew--     As a clog, as a sinker, far better than lead,         I would hang around her neck her own darling Review.