Natural Perversities

I am not prone to moralize      In scientific doubt     On certain facts that Nature tries      To puzzle us about, -     For I am no philosopher      Of wise elucidation,     But speak of things as they occur,      From simple observation.     I notice little things - to wit: -      I never missed a train     Because I didn't run for it;      I never knew it rain     That my umbrella wasn't lent, -      Or, when in my possession,     The sun but wore, to all intent,      A jocular expression.     I never knew a creditor      To dun me for a debt     But I was "cramped" or "busted;" or      I never knew one yet,     When I had plenty in my purse,      To make the least invasion, -     As I, accordingly perverse,      Have courted no occasion.     Nor do I claim to comprehend      What Nature has in view     In giving us the very friend      To trust we oughtn't to. -     But so it is: The trusty gun      Disastrously exploded     Is always sure to be the one      We didn't think was loaded.     Our moaning is another's mirth, -      And what is worse by half,     We say the funniest thing on earth      And never raise a laugh:     Mid friends that love us overwell,      And sparkling jests and liquor,     Our hearts somehow are liable      To melt in tears the quicker.     We reach the wrong when most we seek      The right; in like effect,     We stay the strong and not the weak -      Do most when we neglect. -     Neglected genius - truth be said -      As wild and quick as tinder,     The more we seek to help ahead      The more we seem to hinder.     I've known the least the greatest, too -      And, on the selfsame plan,     The biggest fool I ever knew      Was quite a little man:     We find we ought, and then we won't -      We prove a thing, then doubt it, -     Know everything but when we don't      Know anything about it.