Craniology.

'Tis strange how like a very dunce,     Man - with his bumps upon his sconce,     Has lived so long, and yet no knowledge he     Has had, till lately, of Phrenology -     A science that by simple dint of     Head-combing he should find a hint of,     When scratching o'er those little poll-hills,     The faculties throw up like mole-hills;     A science that, in very spite     Of all his teeth, ne'er came to light,     For though he knew his skull had grinders,     Still there turned up no organ finders,     Still sages wrote, and ages fled,     And no man's head came in his head -     Not even the pate of Erra Pater,     Knew aught about its pia mater.     At last great Dr. Gall bestirs him -     I don't know but it might be Spurzheim -     Tho' native of a dull and slow land,     And makes partition of our Poll-land;     At our Acquisitiveness guesses,     And all those necessary nesses     Indicative of human habits,     All burrowing in the head like rabbits.     Thus Veneration, he made known,     Had got a lodging at the Crown;     And Music (see Deville's example)     A set of chambers in the Temple;     That Language taught the tongues close by,     And took in pupils thro' the eye,     Close by his neighbor Computation,     Who taught the eyebrows numeration.     The science thus - to speak in fit     Terms - having struggled from its nit,     Was seized on by a swarm of Scotchmen     Those scientifical hotch-potch men,     Who have at least a penny dip,     And wallop in all doctorship,     Just as in making broth they smatter     By bobbing twenty things in water:     These men, I say, made quick appliance     And close, to phrenologic science;     For of all learned themes whatever,     That schools and colleges deliver,     There's none they love so near the bodles,     As analysing their own noddles;     Thus in a trice each northern blockhead     Had got his fingers in his shock head,     And of his bumps was babbling yet worse     Than poor Miss Capulet's dry wet-nurse;     Till having been sufficient rangers     Of their own heads, they took to strangers'.     And found in Presbyterians' polls     The things they hated in their souls!     For Presbyterians hear with passion     Of organs joined with veneration.     No kind there was of human pumpkin     But at its bumps it had a bumpkin;     Down to the very lowest gullion,     And oiliest skull of oily scullion.     No great man died but this they did do,     They begged his cranium of his widow:     No murderer died by law disaster,     But they took off his sconce in plaster;     For thereon they could show depending,     "The head and front of his offending":     How that his philanthropic bump     Was mastered by a baser lump;     For every bump (these wags insist)     Has its direct antagonist,     Each striving stoutly to prevail,     Like horses knotted tail to tail!     And many a stiff and sturdy battle     Occurs between these adverse cattle,     The secret cause, beyond all question,     Of aches ascribed to indigestion, -     Whereas 'tis but two knobby rivals     Tugging together like sheer devils,     Till one gets mastery, good or sinister,     And comes in like a new prime-minister.     Each bias in some master node is: -     What takes M'Adam where a road is,     To hammer little pebbles less?     His organ of Destructiveness.     What makes great Joseph so encumber     Debate? a lumping lump of Number:     Or Malthas rail at babies so?     The smallness of his Philopro -     What severs man and wife? a simple     Defect of the Adhesive pimple:     Or makes weak women go astray?     Their bumps are more in fault than they.     These facts being found and set in order     By grave M. D.'s beyond the Border,     To make them for some months eternal,     Were entered monthly in a journal,     That many a northern sage still writes in,     And throws his little Northern Lights in,     And proves and proves about the phrenos,     A great deal more than I or he knows:     How Music suffers, par exemple,     By wearing tight hats round the temple;     What ills great boxers have to fear     From blisters put behind the ear;     And how a porter's Veneration     Is hurt by porter's occupation;     Whether shillelaghs in reality     May deaden Individuality;     Or tongs and poker be creative     Of alterations in th' Amative;     If falls from scaffolds make us less     Inclined to all Constructiveness:     With more such matters, all applying     To heads - and therefore head-ifying.