Ben Nevis : A Dialogue

There was one Mrs. Cameron of 50 years of age and the fattest woman in all Inverness-shire who got up this Mountain some few years ago, true she had her servants, but then she had her self.    She ought to have hired Sisyphus,, "Up the high hill he heaves a huge round, Mrs. Cameron." 'Tis said a little conversation took place between the mountain and the Lady. After taking a glass of Whiskey as she was tolerably seated at ease she thus began,     Mrs. C.     Upon my Life Sir Nevis I am pique'd     That I have so far panted tugg'd and reek'd     To do an honour to your old bald pate     And now am sitting on you just to bate,     Without your paying me one compliment.     Alas 'tis so with all, when our intent     Is plain, and in the eye of all Mankind     We fair ones show a preference, too blind!     You Gentle man immediately turn tail,     O let me then my hapless fate bewail!     Ungrateful Baldpate have I not disdain'd     The pleasant Valleys, have I not madbrain'd     Deserted all my Pickles and preserves     My China closet too, with wretched Nerves     To boot, say wretched ingrate have I not     Left my soft cushion chair and caudle pot.     'Tis true I had no corns, no! thank the fates     My Shoemaker was always Mr. Bates.     And if not Mr. Bates why I'm not old!     Still dumb ungrateful Nevis, still so cold!     Here the Lady took some more whiskey and was putting even more to her lips when she dashed it to the Ground for the Mountain began to grumble, which continued for a few minutes before he thus began,     Ben Nevis.     What whining bit of tongue and Mouth thus dares     Disturb my slumber of a thousand years?     Even so long my sleep has been secure,     And to be so awakened I'll not endure.     Oh pain, for since the Eagle's earliest scream     I've had a damn'd confounded ugly dream,     A Nightmare sure.    What Madam was it you?     It cannot be!    My old eyes are not true!     Red-Crag, my Spectacles!    Now let me see!     Good Heavens Lady how the gemini     Did you get here?    O I shall split my sides!     I shall earthquake,     Mrs. C.     Sweet Nevis do not quake, for though I love     Your honest Countenance all things above     Truly I should not like to be convey'd     So far into your Bosom, gentle Maid     Loves not too rough a treatment gentle Sir,     Pray thee be calm and do not quake nor stir     No not a Stone or I shall go in fits     Ben Nevis.     I must, I shall, I meet not such tid bits,     I meet not such sweet creatures every day,     By my old night cap night cap night and day     I must have one sweet Buss, I must and shall:     Red Crag!, What Madam can you then repent     Of all the toil and vigour you have spent     To see Ben Nevis and to touch his nose?     Red Crag I say! O I must have them close!     Red Crag, there lies beneath my farthest toe     A vein of Sulphur, go dear Red Crag, go     And rub your flinty back against it, budge!     Dear Madam I must kiss you, faith I must!     I must Embrace you with my dearest gust!     Block-head, d'ye hear, Block-head I'll make her feel     There lies beneath my east leg's northern heel     A cave of young earth dragons, well my boy     Go thither quick and so complete my joy     Take you a bundle of the largest pines     And when the sun on fiercest Phosphor shines     Fire them and ram them in the Dragon's nest,     Then will the dragons fry and fizz their best     Until ten thousand now no bigger than     Poor Alligators, poor things of one span,     Will each one swell to twice ten times the size     Of northern whale, then for the tender prize,     The moment then, for then will Red Crag rub     His flinty back, and I shall kiss and snub     And press my dainty morsel to my breast.     Block-head make haste!     O Muses weep the rest,     The Lady fainted and he thought her dead     So pulled the clouds again about his head     And went to sleep again, soon she was rous'd     By her affrighted servants, next day hous'd     Safe on the lowly ground she bless'd her fate     That fainting fit was not delayed too late.     But what surprises me above all is how this Lady got down again.