Baines Carew, Gentleman

Of all the good attorneys who     Have placed their names upon the roll,     But few could equal BAINES CAREW     For tender-heartedness and soul.     Whene'er he heard a tale of woe     From client A or client B,     His grief would overcome him so     He'd scarce have strength to take his fee.     It laid him up for many days,     When duty led him to distrain,     And serving writs, although it pays,     Gave him excruciating pain.     He made out costs, distrained for rent,     Foreclosed and sued, with moistened eye     No bill of costs could represent     The value of such sympathy.     No charges can approximate     The worth of sympathy with woe;     Although I think I ought to state     He did his best to make them so.     Of all the many clients who     Had mustered round his legal flag,     No single client of the crew     Was half so dear as CAPTAIN BAGG.     Now, CAPTAIN BAGG had bowed him to     A heavy matrimonial yoke     His wifey had of faults a few     She never could resist a joke.     Her chaff at first he meekly bore,     Till unendurable it grew.     "To stop this persecution sore     I will consult my friend CAREW.     "And when CAREW'S advice I've got,     Divorce a mensa I shall try."     (A legal separation not     A vinculo conjugii.)     "Oh, BAINES CAREW, my woe I've kept     A secret hitherto, you know;"     (And BAINES CAREW, ESQUIRE, he wept     To hear that BAGG HAD any woe.)     "My case, indeed, is passing sad.     My wife whom I considered true     With brutal conduct drives me mad."     "I am appalled," said BAINES CAREW.     "What! sound the matrimonial knell     Of worthy people such as these!     Why was I an attorney? Well     Go on to the saevitia, please."     "Domestic bliss has proved my bane,     A harder case you never heard,     My wife (in other matters sane)     Pretends that I'm a Dicky bird!     "She makes me sing, 'Too-whit, too-wee!'     And stand upon a rounded stick,     And always introduces me     To every one as 'Pretty Dick'!"     "Oh, dear," said weeping BAINES CAREW,     "This is the direst case I know."     "I'm grieved," said BAGG, "at paining you     "To COBB and POLTHERTHWAITE I'll go     "To COBB'S cold, calculating ear,     My gruesome sorrows I'll impart"     "No; stop," said BAINES, "I'll dry my tear,     And steel my sympathetic heart."     "She makes me perch upon a tree,     Rewarding me with 'Sweety nice!'     And threatens to exhibit me     With four or five performing mice."     "Restrain my tears I wish I could"     (Said BAINES), "I don't know what to do."     Said CAPTAIN BAGG, "You're very good."     "Oh, not at all," said BAINES CAREW.     "She makes me fire a gun," said BAGG;     "And, at a preconcerted word,     Climb up a ladder with a flag,     Like any street performing bird.     "She places sugar in my way     In public places calls me 'Sweet!'     She gives me groundsel every day,     And hard canary-seed to eat."     "Oh, woe! oh, sad! oh, dire to tell!"     (Said BAINES). "Be good enough to stop."     And senseless on the floor he fell,     With unpremeditated flop!     Said CAPTAIN BAGG, "Well, really I     Am grieved to think it pains you so.     I thank you for your sympathy;     But, hang it! come I say, you know!"     But BAINES lay flat upon the floor,     Convulsed with sympathetic sob;     The Captain toddled off next door,     And gave the case to MR. COBB.